I won’t beat around the bush. Koi Jaane Na is a bad movie. Although that does not mean it’s not redeemable either. If you are willing to get as crazy as this film, if you are the type of viewer who gets through a bad film by making jokey interpretations that are as stupid as the film, you will survive Koi Jaane Na. Not all defective movies allow us to indulge in this activity. What makes Koi Jaane Na an exception is that it’s one of those so-bad-it’s-good movies. Naturally, I had a blast with it.
Kabir (Kunal Kapoor) is a writer by day and vigilante by night. His alter ego is Zaraan Khan, a fictional entity that originated from his books. We know Kabir is a writer because his voice-overs consist of such lines as, “Raat jawaan bhi hai aur nasheeli bhi. Suna hai police ki na dosti acchi na dushmani.” It’s not onerous to spot our author standing in a queue disguised as a Punjabi. His makeup is so terribly done that you can locate him from a distance. Anyway, after committing murder (or, if you ask him, an act of justice), Kabir moves to his Panchgani house to complete the sequel for his novel. Every writer makes a pilgrimage to an isolated residence to write. Nowadays, it’s impossible to find “inspiration” alone in your room, in a city. Over the years, if there is one thing that has been made crystal clear in our movies, it’s that these “remote houses” have discontinued harbouring peace and serenity. As expected, trouble arises when a copycat serial killer adopts the ways of Zaraan Khan. Who is he? The revelation is more riotous than surprising.
You don’t have to rack your brains to figure this one out. Koi Jaane Na knows this and so tries to distract our minds by planting red herrings. Of course, you would be a fool to expect intelligence from a film whose name itself means cluelessness. I mean, it’s so awful that Aamir Khan had to smoke and drink alcohol while making an appearance. Mr. Perfectionist could not have arrived sober. He dances with Elli AvrRam, and together they disappear from sight. A housekeeper, Bindiya (Neha Mahajan), resorts to spying as if waiting for the film to get better or good or acceptable. These are still human beings. More hilarious is the smart decision made by the dog Charmer here. He sniffs the rotten script and refuses to appear on screen for a very long time. The team had to use a cat in one scene. Or perhaps Charmer disguised himself as a cat to save himself from being ridiculed by his fellow good boys. You never know.
After all, in the universe of Koi Jaane Na, nothing seems impossible. A girl can land in an unknown region without a bag or cash and can still be instantly hired at a hotel as a receptionist. Whatever happened to interviews and verification by documents, which she could not possibly have as she comes bearing no personal luggage? Nevertheless, this girl, Suhana (Amyra Dastur), emerges as the best thing about this film. A bad movie is elevated by bad performances, and Dastur hits the jackpot (though unintentionally). Ashwini Kalsekar as a police officer and Karim Hajee as a detective/reporter are perfectly horrible. Hajee says lines like, “No rokda, no more photos of chokra.”
Above everything else, let Koi Jaane Na be a lesson in cybersecurity. Do not have passwords that are easy to guess. Do not give hints by painting clues on the wall. Now, as this crucial lesson is out of the way, let’s discuss another funny incident from the film. There is a scene where Kabir tells Suhana to go and find Andre if she wants to seek adventure. When she reaches the place, she is shocked and surprised to know that Kabir is Andre. Was this an attempt by the fictional writer (Kabir) to show the real writer (Amin Hajee) how one should create suspense around an identity? Or did the real writer derive his vapidity from the fictional writer? Koi jaane na.
Disclaimer: This article has not been written by Film Companion’s editorial team.