It takes a special kind of talent to make one sit back in horror in a year that has already twisted our face into a permanent expression of pain. But here is our list of moments that made us sit up to take notice- of how fargone we are, and if we can turn back, and should we turn back? Sometimes, we just want to have fun.
1) Ram Gopal Varma Leaving Us (T)High-And-Dry
Ram Gopal Varma’s first experiment with releasing his films on his own pay-per-view digital platform might have been a commercial success, but at what cost? Climax, the zombie-erotic-horror-romantic movie, starring Varma’s muse, the porn star Mia Malkova, and Renan Severo, whose accent and shirtlessness were both provided without context, was, as we reviewed it “Porn with an identity crisis”.
At one point in the film Malkova skinny dips in an oasis in the middle of nowhere, and hearing a tense background score, rushes out of the water butt-naked and climbs the sand dunes to the top in full gusto, while the camera refused to look at anything other than the folds between her thighs and her butt. RGV puts the male in the male gaze, afterall he dedicated his autobiography to Sri Devi’s thighs.
2) Attack By Owl Pecking in Sadak 2
Baradwaj Rangan noted in his review of Sadak 2, “Henceforth, film ratings scales will have to range from FIVE STARS to SADAK 2. It’s hilariously bad. It’s howlariously bad. It’s… owl-ariously bad. There’s an actual owl in the screenplay. Its name is Kumbhkaran. It’s set loose on Gulshan Grover, because in the world of this film, when you want to kill a gangster, you set loose on him an owl named Kumbhkaran. Oh, the ignominy for the gangster. You want to die a death of glory, taking a bullet in the heart, still standing, smiling a fuck-you! smile at the police. Instead, you succumb to owl-pecking.”
3) Coffee With Sleaze On The Side in Miss India
When Keerthy Suresh’s virtuous tea business in Miss India puts her rival coffee empire KSK out of business, its shrewd owner calls for an emergency board meeting to plan a comeback strategy. This scene perfectly explains what is wrong with our (coffee) culture. Did someone tell the director that by “Coffee, but make it hot” we don’t mean a complementary lap dance with the beverage?
4) I DID NOT JUST SPREAD YOUR LEGS, YAMINI!
An Angsty-Vijay-Deverakonda™ is a creature of unintended humour. When, in the teaser of World Famous Lover, he screeps (scream + weeps) about spreading legs and loving Yamini, we thought we had seen it all. That was until they dubbed over it in the film as “I was not just intimate with you Yamini, I loved you.” What is worse, I don’t know. Choosing between a pretentious poet, and an Angsty-Vijay-Devarakonda™, is like being between the devil and the deep blue sea.
5) Size Matters in Gandii Baat
What is it about Gandii Baat and horses? In a previous season they used Chetak as a euphemism for dick, and had children running around expressing their desire to ride a Chetak. In one of the episodes of Season 5, a woman gifts men she has slept with stuffed toys of a horse as a post-coital gift. But the men badger and pout, each hoping to get a bigger horse than their predecessor, a bigger reward for the better (in-bed) man. When will men learn?
6) Abla And Tabla in Virgin Bhanupriya
After all the astrologers concluded that Bhanupriya (Urvashi Rautela) will remain a virgin for life, she takes things into her own hands (not that way!). She meets a series of men, one of whom, a grown up man is seen talking to his little man, “Have you forgotten how we used to play together during childhood?”, and this didn’t even scratch the surface. When Bhanupriya’s best friend forces her to force herself on a man, Bhanupriya is struck, “Are you asking me to rape him?” to which the friend replies, “Tune kabhi ladke ka rape suna hai? Abla bhi hum hai, tabla bhi hum hi bajayenge!” Cue exasperation.
7) I AM NOT A FUCKIN’ ICE CREAM!
Let us set the scene from arguably this year’s most camp film Mrs Serial Killer. Mrutyunjoy (Manoj Bajpai) just stabbed his wife (Jacqueline Fernandez) in the hand with a scalpel because she found out that he does forced abortions on unmarried women. She weeps, “Joy! Joy!” and he retorts in anger, “Mera naam Mrityunjoy hai! Chota hi karna hai to Mrityu kar do…Joy…Joy..Joy…” and then the killer line.
8) Sextreme Boredom in Dangerous
The only thing worse than a Vikram Bhatt film, is a boring Vikram Bhatt film. You’d think Dangerous with Bipasha Basu and Karan Singh Grover (a real life married couple) would not have such boring sex. Forget boring- it’s flat out awful. The neon lit bed, the rehearsed orgasm, and a music track that aged like fungal food doesn’t help. At one point, after necking one another like a furiously choreographed disco dance, Basu is ashamed and runs to the open window, her hands resting on the pane, looking like Jesus Christ in her white pantless shirt. They sin like sex starved kids anyways, praise the lord.
9) Tum Mujhe Tang Karne Lage Ho! From Love Aaj Kal
How could this scene not find its way to our list? Perhaps the most meme-d of this year (Sara Ali Khan too noted that perhaps the low angles and sudden angst of it might have come across as meme fodder), this scene was bonkers on more than a few levels and reminded us of the time someone commented about Ranbir’s character in Tamasha, “Is he bipolar or is this Imtiaz Ali’s way of showing that he’s confused?”