Cast: Sunny Leone, Tusshar Kapoor, Vir Das

Director: Milap Zaveri

Like many of you, I’ve spent the past few days admiring Sunny Leone. I watched the interview with TV anchor Bhupendra Chaubey. She pushed back his insulting, tone-deaf questions with elegance and intelligence. Like you, I thought — wow, here’s a woman with a backbone.

Sadly, there is no glimpse of that woman in Mastizaade. Here, Sunny is pure tits and ass. She has a double role — the sisters Lily and Laila Lele. She looks fabulous. But her one job is heaving, thrusting and teasing as if her life depends on it. And all that hard work is singularly ineffective because this film is just awful.

It’s only January but I’m willing to bet good money that Bollywood won’t make a worse film than Mastizaade this year. This film isn’t just bad, it’s soul-crushingly bad. I was depressed for hours after seeing it. I felt like all the color and magic had been sucked out of my life.

It takes a special kind of talent to make a film as horrendous as this, and what’s amazing is that writers Milap Zaveri and Mushtaq Sheikh and actor Tusshar Kapoor have managed it two weeks in a row. Last Friday they traumatised us with Kyaa Kool Hain Hum 3. And they’ve returned with an even worse film, with Milap also directing — and doing a cameo.

Unlike Kyaa Kool Hain Hum 3, Mastizaade doesn’t even pretend to have a plot. Scenes and songs are randomly stitched together. It’s a series of comedy sketches held together by sexual innuendo. And the jokes aren’t just lame. They are vile.

Sample some of the dialogue — a brother and sister are in love with the same man, so the brother says, “Tu meri sister hai lekin Sunny mera bistar hai.” In another scene, a character says: “Iske pehle ki rab ne banadi jodi, chadh lo do ya teen aur ghodi.” A woman with massive breasts is called Titli. At one point, Tusshar and co-star Vir Das look like they are mating with a horse. And then, there is the lucky mascot of sex comedies, Riteish Deshmukh. Once again, he’s doing a cameo. At the beginning, he’s running some sort of bar called One Night Stand. By the end, he’s a guru at the Aurgasm Ashram.

Milap and Mushtaq are gleefully misogynistic, homophobic and even throw in a running gag about stammering. This is supposed to be funny. It’s brain dead and unrelenting.

In an interview with The Indian Express, Milap said that he used his family as a sounding board for his scripts. He said: If I can narrate any joke to my mother and she doesn’t find it offensive then I can use it in the film. So I’m going to make a direct appeal to Mrs Zaveri: Next time, please say no.

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